Laughing about medicines?


Pillaging pill lines (pillenium edition)




Young advancing professional


Cheap treatment


How to give a cat a pill



A lady walks into the chemists and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

The pharmacist asks, "Madam, what do you want with arsenic?"

The lady calmly states, "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a rather compromising position, where the man is her husband, and the woman is the pharmacist's wife, and shows it to the pharmacist.

He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"




The pharmacist's wife phoned her husband at work, telling: "Our son said his first words today!"

"Marvellous," said he, "What did he say?"

"Acetylsalicylic acid."




It costs 250,000 quid to train a doctor, and in a lifetime each doctor will dish out around 2 million quids' worth of treatments. But at best only one in three patients swallow the tablets. It's a phenomenal waste of time and money. I changed one man's pills to a better brand (well, cheaper but the pills were the same size, shape, and colour). And just when I thought I'd got away with it, he phoned up: "Those tablets you gave, they weren't the same. The first lot sank when I threw them down the toilet, and these ones float."

(Phil Hammond)


1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in your left arm like a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into it's mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve cat from behind sofa and pill from floor, cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth and count to ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on the floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front
and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth of cat.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap.
Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force
mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
old compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the
road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on
way home to order a new table.

15. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.